


Reflection - one year later

by watashinokuraikokoro



Category: No Fandom, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Anxiety, Death, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, GAD, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, MDD, Major Depressive Disorder, Oops, Overdose, Self-Harm, Short, Short Story, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, bipolar, comment, hope you like it, i didn't edit, i didn't proof read, idk - Freeform, idk man idk, idk what this is, personal, short writing, this is a mess, you are loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 21:17:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13935603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watashinokuraikokoro/pseuds/watashinokuraikokoro
Summary: "A year ago today, I attempted suicide."A brief writing from the perspective of a 16 year old girl who attempted suicide one year prior.idk, it'd make my day if you read it and left some love though.





	Reflection - one year later

A year ago today, I attempted suicide. 

 

It was my third and final attempt, as well as the most traumatic one, which led to an even more traumatizing year. You may be wondering why I can say with confidence that this would be my final attempt, even though I had attempted two times previously. That is what this writing is going to be about. It will cover what the outcomes of that attempt were and how it changed me for the better, like coal under pressure being turned to a diamond. 

 

That day I was brought into the ER. I still remember it vividly, the way it smelled and looked, but more so how I felt. I felt as though I were outside my body, watching the event unravel as though it were in a movie and not my own story. I suppose this is what people would refer to as disassociation. 

 

When I was medically cleared, I was taken from the ER to the mental facility in an ambulance. I remember this being where I started to feel real again. It was dark in the back of the ambulance, as it was near 2 AM and the lights inside were off, so my face was masked. My mother sat in the ambulance with me, chatting with the driver. I was alone mentally, if not physically. I remember shock settling in, my brain trying to wrap it's head around the fact that I had failed and that I was going to the last place on earth I wanted to be, no matter how badly I probably needed to be there. 

 

Signing me into the facility took 6 dreadful hours, and by 8 AM I was finally settled in and given permission to sleep, although I didn't take up their offer because I could not see myself being able to sleep in that foreign place. I remember sitting on an armchair in the same clothes I'd worn the day of the attempt (I didn't want to wear the hospital gown so I was left with no choice), terrified. I watched silently from the corner as the other patients were woken up and began to slowly fill the day room. 

 

The first day felt like a thousand years. So did each day after that. It was during those days that I learned CPS would be visiting me, and had been visiting my family and watching them closely since I'd been in the facility. That came as a big, unexpected shock to me, and I remember thinking that my world was crumbling. Things had gotten worse when I thought they could not. 

 

Fast forward to around three months after I got out of the mental facility. I grew closer with my best friends, and my parents were called to court by CPS. My best friends supported me and loved me at my worst, and brought me up so that I could become my best by learning to grow from the hard times. Sleepovers were frequent and much needed. I would go to their house for two weeks at a time to escape the chaos I called home. 

 

The court case was called off eventually by CPS because they lacked enough sufficient evidence to convict my parents of anything. Instead, they told my father he was required to go to twelve weeks of alcoholic meetings. He adamantly refused, of course, and did not attend. 

 

When CPS finally left us alone, I was both relieved and distraught. I had hoped they would change my parents, particularly my father, and help us out of the mess we had all become. I began to think there was no hope for us. The next few months were hard for me. 

 

After a dark period of therapy, self-doubt, different medicines, and many more suicidal thoughts, I began to find myself again. I pieced my life back together by finding what I loved to do and leaning on the people I loved. I helped myself, and when I couldn't, I asked my friends for help. 

 

I remember how once my friend clung to me and cried, begging me not to do it again and asking why. I didn't know how to answer her question, but I told her I would not do it again, although at that time I did not believe myself. Now, I do. 

 

Here are the things I learned over the span of a dreadful year that changed me for the better. 

 

1\. It's okay to need help. 

Everyone falls apart. Every single person. I believe that one of the most important things in life is to be a friend to others and to yourself. If your friend is in need, you help them and show them how you love them with actions and words. If you are in need, it's okay to go to someone, because we are all broken in one way or another. They will show you how they love you with actions and words, too. We are all just people trying to find solace and build a better life. 

 

2\. Friends are so important. 

Oftentimes, friends will love you more than your own family. True friends never give up on you, even in your lowest moments. They raise you up when you're down, make you laugh when you want to cry, and protect you with everything they've got... And you do the same for them. 

 

3\. Self-acceptance, then self-love. 

The only way to truly find peace is to first accept yourself. Self-love comes after the acceptance of who you are as a person. You need to accept your flaws as much as you accept your positive points, and learn to love your flaws just as much as those positive points. It takes a long time, believe me, but it's possible for anyone. 

 

My final conclusion.... I'm glad I failed that attempt. So much good has come, and I have never been happier. I still struggle, sometimes daily, but life has blessed me. A year ago, I was severely depressed, suicidal, struggling with eating disorders, anxious, and self harming. Today, I'm 16 years old, have amazing friends, have grown a better relationship with my mother and brothers, have a job, and my own puppy. I'm a junior and almost finished with high school, and about to go to college. 

 

So much has changed for me in one short year. I did not believe it was possible to go through so much horror and come to such goodness in such a small period of time, but life showed me that it is possible. 

All I can say is that holding on is worth it in the end.


End file.
